How about assholes? I think that’s a pretty universal subject that most folks can identify with. My point being that there are FAR.TOO.MANY of them around and they all seem to be in a position of authority over someone else. Let’s just say that I’ve had more than my fill of assholes in the last year or so. As tempted as I am to say that I wish horrible things upon these “fine citizens” who have such boundless respect and compassion for their fellow humans/coworkers/etc, I firmly believe in karma so I’ll just let them keep doing what they do and laugh as Fate hands these worthless masses of flesh plenty of rope by which they can put themselves out of our misery. In this case, it ended up being a blessing in disguise but the desperate position into which the actions of this particular asshole placed me were far more grave than I would have liked. So, to all the assholes of the world, here a big “Up yours”. Look both ways before you cross the street… Asshole.

In other more positive news, the job situation is great. I’ve found a job with a firm that quite simply is awesome. I really like everyone I work with and my boss treats me as an equal and he values my opinions and skills in the field. As with any job, there are days where I’d rather not get up but that has nothing to do with work as much as me just being an idiot and staying up too late and wanting to sleep in. The atmosphere is one of “Do your best to help your clients/coworkers and if you need help, ask. Others are going to need your assistance at some point and we won’t tolerate hording of knowledge. That only hurts everyone and in fact, makes you LESS valuable to the team instead of MORE so.” This mentality could not be further from that of my previous employer (see the previous paragraph). I really like it here and it’s wonderful to feel like a member of a team and not like I’m on my own any more.

Enough venting for now I guess. Hopefully, once I get back into the habit of this, I’ll post content of a more thought provoking, interesting, and humorous nature. Recent history has turned me into a cynic and that is not my nature so getting away from that mentality would be a very good thing.

Some poor stock boy remembered seeing something fitting the description of what I was looking for in some random corner of a back room. He brought it to me, having NO idea what it was, what it cost, or how it worked; just a pseudo-burlap, plastic lined sack with some ingredients in an attached plastic bag. Nice.

My Dad has a pretty good sense of humor, and I like to think I do as well so I set about writing a set of instructions. I had no idea how this worked but I knew enough about the beer-brewing process to be a smart ass. I was recently reminded by someone of these “instructions” and after reading them for the first time in YEARS, I thought it was worthy of a light-hearted Blog entry. So, enjoy. By the way, step two is much easier…

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Instructions For Brewing Your Own Beer.
Please read carefully

Congratulations on the purchase of your very own beer making sack thingy. Your sack o’ beer should provide you and your neighbors and your family with minutes and minutes of exciting home brewing fun. While most brewers will tell you that there is only one way to brew beer (their way, of course), we are here to tell you that any way is okay by us. Actually there are two procedures by which you can enjoy beer in your very own home. These procedures are explained below. Please read them carefully.

METHOD 1:
Unfold your sack and place it on a flat surface that is free from clutter. Smooth the wrinkles from your sack and clear any loose “fibers” as well. Locate the RED cap. If you do not see the RED cap, but instead see nothing but sack, turn over the damn sack!! Now do you see it? Good. Carefully remove the aforementioned RED cap and place it somewhere out of the way for now. The garbage or your pockets are NOT good choices for storage at this time. Locate a source of water (i.e. a sink, a hose, a fire hydrant, a well, a toilet, an octogenarian, a female watching “Ghost”, etc) and proceed to fill your sack. Fill your sack until it is, I don’t know, about two-thirds full. Remember that cap? Go and find it. Put it back in your sack. NO! Not There! Put it in the sack that you pulled it out of. Firmly press the cap back into place in your sack. Now gently shake the bag to mix the contents. Remember, SHAKEN, not STIRRED. Once the contents of your sack have been thoroughly mixed, find a nice quiet, dark place to store your sack while whatever the hell we put in there has time to spoil, er ah, ferment. Your sack should left alone, all by itself, in solitary confinement, exiled, bereft of contact, shunned, etc for about 45 days. After which point you can pour the liquid out of your sack and get snockered. Enjoy and thank you for your money.

METHOD 2:
Locate and gather together the following items:

Your Wallet
Your money (or checkbook, or credit cards. Whatever your use for currency)
Your Keys
Your Car
Your Ass

Take all the above-mentioned items to the Tom Thumb and buy some beer that your stupid ass can drink now instead of having to wait a damn month-and-a-half from now to drink. Again, enjoy and thank you for giving us your money.

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It was the most God awful stuff that has ever passed my lips. Ever since, he’s gotten either a bottle of Scotch or a Cabelos Gift Card. Never again…

This has caused me to reflect on some things. My father died from Cancer when he was 37 in 1979 (I was 10). I am now nearly 40 and next December will mark 30 years since the passing of my Father. Thirty years!

I have often found myself wondering how my life might have been different had he lived. Honestly, I never really got to know him very well. He was in the Navy and been stationed aboard ship since I was 5 or 6, he was discharged when I was 9 or 10, and shortly afterward, he passed from his illness. Without a doubt, his was a life cut far too short.

I am curious about what he would think of how I have turned out. Would he be proud of me? What would he think of the choices (both good and bad) that I have made? Would we have had a close relationship or would it have been a distant one? What would he say about my current situation and the way I have handled it? Is it strange to wonder about the approval of someone who has been gone for nearly three decades? Someone I really didn’t know and of whom I have very few clear memories? Is it just a reflection of my own need for validation of myself as a person, as a son, and as a man? I don’t know.

I guess I’d like to think he’s looking down at me and saying “That’s my boy!”.

On a semi-related note; thank you to all of the men and women in our Armed Services, past and present, for the sacrifices you have made to make America, regardless of how flawed we may be, the very best place in the world to live.

As I have detailed previously, the last year has been a trial. There have been more potholes and obstacles to getting my life to where it needs to be than I could have EVER possibly imagined. From unforeseen hurdles with my divorce, to uncontrollable issues regarding getting my house refinanced, to the unexpected passing of my Grandfather and the ensuing familial drama surrounding the settling of his estate. Just… so… much… shit…

I have managed to overcome most of these obstacles and I like to think that I am a better, stronger man for having made it through some very dark and draining times. It has definitely proven to me that I do not need to depend on anyone but myself. And I am completely okay with that.

Now to the purpose for this blog post. I received the disbursement of funds from my refinance a couple of weeks ago and immediately sent the checks to the respective creditors and paid off all but one of my credit cards (they will be getting a healthy chunk of change when I mail my payment). My Ex-wife received the funds I agreed to pay her and she is now looking for a place to live. Hopefully, that process will not take very long.

It felt wonderful to pay those credit cards off and to actually have money in my bank account again. That compounded with the knowledge that this long, difficult journey is very nearly at an end has me almost giddy with excitement. I haven’t actually felt good about where my life was in a very long time. It’s not quite where it needs to be, but it’s damn close to being there. I’m not saying that there aren’t still some aspects to my existence that aren’t quite what I had hoped and wanted them to be, but unfortunately, that is just how it is and I can’t change them. All I can do is move forward and know that I have done what is best for me to be happy.

And yes, it is finally all about me.

Due to the short nature of the reservations, the plane ticket was almost $1200 (that I really didn’t have). And I’m still trying to get the refinance done… AND dealing with a lot of stress at work. I guess I am blessed with an incredible resilient stomach lining because, by rights, I should have bleeding ulcers at this stage.

Flew into Charleston where my folks picked my brother and I up (they drove up the previous day), got to Ripley, checked into the hotel, then drove to my Grandfather’s house in Spencer where the rest of the family was staying. It was nice seeing a lot of them after not having seen some in several years. Spent a few hours conversing then we left to go back to the hotel (about a 45 minute drive; it’s only 25 miles but they are very winding roads through the mountains).

The service was the next day (Saturday). Most of the family had to leave on Sunday so those who could stay spent the rest of the week going through my Grandfather’s stuff, trying to separate what was valuable and what wasn’t. It was extremely difficult sorting through the possessions and memories of a life that lasted 92 years.

When I finally got home on Thursday, I was physically and emotionally drained. There has just been SO MUCH that has happened. I am honestly worn out. Please, Dear God, just let there be no more potholes while I finish putting my life back together. I’m pretty strong but there are limits to what any person can endure.

I’m closing of my refinancing Monday. I hope that goes the way it is supposed to. If not, it may be the straw that breaks me.

I finished the repairs on the bathroom last weekend and, I must admit, it turned out really nicely; not the professional (tiled or custom fiberglass enclosure) job I had intended, but it’s more than functional and properly done.

Due to weather issues (e.g. rain and lots of it), humidity (which made the glue/caulk take a LOT longer to cure), and just me or my Dad being busy, it took longer than I’d hoped. It made me smile when the appraiser came in to re-evaluate it and the first words out of his mouth was “Wow! This is one of the best jobs I’ve ever seen!”. So, hurray!

Now that the bathroom meets with the criteria required for the FHA refinance, I will (hopefully) be closing on the loan within the next week or so.

For you Tim Taylor wannabes, here are some pics…

There are, in my opinion, several factors contributing to this. One; after Hurricanes Ivan and Dennis, there was a lot of damage done to the roadways around here (it’s Florida; lots of waterways and bridges). There was also a huge influx of workers who came into the area to rebuild. Add to this the fact that nearly EVERY MAJOR thoroughfare in the region is undergoing some sort of a construction project; some minor, some major; the I-10/I-110 improvement being the biggest of them all. Unfortunately, that is route I take to get to work. There’s other ways I could go, but it increases my travel time considerably.

Here’s where my pet peeves kick in. Have you ever noticed that it always seems that anytime you happen upon a REALLY bad driver, they are talking on a cell phone? I actually passed a woman the other day who was talking on a cell phone, smoking a cigarette, applying makeup, and eating a biscuit from McDonald’s… All while driving. I have seen people text messaging while driving at 60 to 70 mph, through a heavy construction zone. The speed limit is 55 and someone is going 45? Likely either an older person or someone on a cell phone. Cutting across three lanes of traffic to get to an exit? More of the same. It is simply astonishing to me.

A few years back, I was watching a show on The Learning Channel called “Mythbusters”. In this particular episode, they were investigating the supposed “myth” that talking on a cell phone impairs one’s ability to safely operate a vehicle as much, if not more, than being legally intoxicated was. Based on reaction speeds and the ability to perform normal maneuvers, they determined that a cell phone was slightly MORE of an impairment than being legally intoxicated. Obviously, you can always hang up the phone; you can’t just not be drunk at a moment’s notice but I still found those results to be quite interesting.

I’m not saying that just because someone is talking on a phone, they are a shitty driver. I talk on mine while driving just like 99% of the population does. What I am saying is that most shitty drivers are usually running their mouths and not paying attention to the road.

I think I may have a portend of the manner by which I will pass from this world… Five foot nothing Soccer Mommy is going to be in her Chevy Tahoe, talking on her phone, asking the kids what they want from Taco Bell, and she’s not even going to notice my poor little Ford Ranger when she flattens it. And that is how I suspect I am destined to die.

I called the Mortgage company last Tuesday to verify that my paperwork had arrived and that they had everything they needed. My loan officer checked and said yes to both; the documents had arrived and everything they’d asked me to send was there and in order. It was now with the underwriters for review and I should hear from them before the end of the week. “Wonderful”, I thought. “I’m finally going to be able to get everything taken care of. I’m so tired of it seeming like everything that could go wrong, had gone wrong or revealed yet another unforeseen obstacle…”

I was wrong… Again.

My loan officer called late Thursday afternoon to inform me that before the underwriters would approve the loan, I needed to repair some minor water damage in my master bathroom. I reminded her that one of the things I needed this loan for was to have the bathroom redone professionally and I couldn’t afford to do so without putting even MORE crap on a credit card. It was a catch-22; I need the money to repair the bathroom but they won’t give me the money until I have repaired the bathroom…

I spoke with everyone that I had been dealing with at the Mortgage company and none of them really understood why they were being so firm about this. The damage was minor and purely cosmetic. There is no structural damage whatsoever.

When I bought the house, the previous owners had a dishwasher that ruptured a water hose, which leaked water into the wall between the kitchen and the master bathroom. They had repaired this and put up a new shower enclosure. And by enclosure, I mean they put up what basically amounts to vinyl covered cardboard (I think it’s called Masonite). It’s acceptable for this purpose, but you still need to make sure that you seal the corners and the bottom properly with caulk and that vinyl trim. They did not do this and moisture got into the stuff and started to make it deteriorate after a few years. I had intended to get this repaired but I wanted to have the shower enclosure redone by a professional contractor and either have it tiled or maybe a fiberglass shower stall. Both of these choices are, given the state of my finances, simply unaffordable right now. I had explained all of this to my Loan officer, the Loan Processor, and even the Appraiser when he noted the damage. I pleaded with the Loan Officer to please see if there was any leeway on this (She is aware of all of the delays and whatnot that has happened through this whole process).

She called back on Friday. No dice. The repairs must be completed. They did not need to be done professionally but because the loan is an FHA loan, there are guidelines and apparently this is one of them. She simply said I needed to effect some form of repair and she would schedule an Appraiser to come out and verify that the work was done and that it was acceptable.

So, on the way home, I called my Dad who has experience with this kind of thing and explained everything and asked if he would be able to help me. He said he would love to but he couldn’t be of any physical assistance; he had just had hernia surgery on Tuesday (which had completely slipped my mind). He’d be happy to tell/show me what to do but I had to do it myself. He couldn’t risk anything by exerting himself. Great… When does this Fairy of Bad Luck and Shitty Timing go on vacation? I’ve really just reached the end of my rope…

I had to go pick up my Dad Saturday morning (he’s not really supposed to drive in his condition) and we assessed to task at hand. We decided what the best thing to do would be and then went to Home Depot for the materials. I spent the rest of weekend removing the damaged stuff and prepping the shower. I’m pretty anal about doing things right and I’m not going to risk my efforts not passing inspection. Why do something that I desperately need to get done only to find out it was in vain? Sadly, I didn’t finish everything this weekend. It rained a lot and I needed to be able to cut things which I have to do outside. I’ll spend the rest of the week finishing the prep work and hopefully have everything done by next weekend.

I am praying that this will be the last obstacle I come across. The last few months have left me feeling like I’ve been run over by a truck, apparently driven by Lady Bad Luck. This latest development just seems like She was backing over me again to ensure I was down for the count.

Shortly after my Ex and I came to our Marital Settlement agreement, in order to meet my monetary obligations, I contacted my Mortgage Company about refinancing my house. I filed an application, paid the fee, and then we scheduled for a Property Appraiser to assess my home. It didn’t quite appraise as much as I would’ve liked, but it was damn close; close enough for me to get rid of the majority of the consumer debt and give the Ex our agreed upon amount. The caveat is that I could not actually Refinance until my divorce was final; otherwise, her name would be on the Deed.

As mentioned previously, we had already been to our hearing and as far as I knew, our petition was sitting on the Circuit Judge’s desk, waiting for him to sign it. The Magistrate had said it should only be a week or two. I checked the County Website several times daily to see if there was any change. After almost a month, it still said “Pending”. I was beginning to become concerned. Not only was this prolonging the current situation, but because of how overextended we let ourselves get, we were just scraping by and actually slipping a little further into debt, not to mention all of the interest we were paying and just the overall stress of the entire situation. The Ex had been looking at several different places to move, but until I get this ReFi finished, the simple fact is that neither of us can afford to not have the other’s income. A few of the ones she was really interested in had already sold, so she was getting a bit miffed as well.

One day, while outside my office on a smoke break, I was talking to a woman who works for one of the Lawyer’s offices in my building. She and I talk all the time and she was aware of my whole state of affairs with regards to the Divorce and Refinance. She was surprised that it had still not been finalized. She offered to call over to the County Clerk’s office and see what she could find out for me. This is were things go Twilight Zone…

A couple of days later, I saw her and the first thing she said was, “I hate to be the bearer of bad news. You aren’t going to like this…”. I immediately felt a wave of panic flood over my entire body. Did the Circuit Judge reject our petition? Was he going to order me to pay alimony? All kinds of things rushed through my head; all of the things we had spent the last few months working out and agreeing to could now be completely out the window. She then went on to explain what had happened.

Before a Divorce Decree can be signed, it must first be “prepared”. This is the job of the Judge’s administrative assistant/paralegal/whatever. This particular Judge’s assistant was currently out on medical leave and had been out for the last month, and wasn’t expected to return for ANOTHER month. Due to budgetary constraints/cutbacks, the County was not permitted to hire temporary replacements for staff who had to take a leave of absence. And because of the case load, none of the other assistants were permitted to help get this Judge’s case load up to date. So, in essence, our Dissolution Petition was sitting in the Inbox of a person who wasn’t going to even see it for at least another month, not to mention the fact that I’m sure they’d have to do a lot of catching up after having been out for 2+ months.

Needles to say, my heart sank into my shoes. She then offered to prepare the Decree for me and send it over. She was aware of how stressed I’ve been over the whole thing. I thanked her and told her if she needed anything from me, to call my office. Later that day, she called to ask me a few details and get my email address so I could review the document. It looked fine to me and she then forwarded it to the Clerk’s office. This was on Monday (6/09). I kept checking the website all day Tuesday but nothing had changed by the time I went to bed. When I got up on Wednesday, I saw the it finally said “Final Judgment” on the site, but I wasn’t sure if that meant it had simply been put before the Judge or if I were now, in fact, officially Divorced. The woman called a few hours after I got to work and said “Congratulations. You are Divorced and you owe me a beer.”. I obviously thanked her and agreed to her terms. This was Wednesday (6/11). The Decree had been signed on the 10th but there is some lag with posting Case statuses on the County site. Now, I just needed the actual paper documents so I could send a copy to the Mortgage company.

We received copies of the Decree in the mail on Thursday. I gathered together the documents for the Mortgage company and took them to work on Friday so I could fax them but I had forgotten the required bank statements and W2′s. On Monday, I tried faxing everything but for some reason, it wasn’t working. Perhaps the volume of paper (30-40 pages)? So, I ended up mailing them (more delays). But at least now, everything is moving forward rapidly.

So, I am now Divorced and simply waiting for a check. The last few months have been incredibly stressful and difficult for me. I’ve lost a lot of weight and I’ve been an emotional wreck. I have said and done things that have been very hurtful to people I care about and that is just something else I can add to my list of regrets. All I can say is I am sorry. At the same time, I am very happy to finally be getting onto the next chapter in my life. I hope that I can be a better man than I was at times in the last chapter.

The hearing was at 9:30 a.m. We got there (in separate vehicles) at about ten minutes after and waited outside the Magistrate’s office until we were called in. The officer instructed us to sit on opposite sides of the table (Would he be considered a Baliff in a hearing in a Magistrate’s chambers? I’m not sure). The Magistrate made us both do the whole “Do you swear that the testimony you are about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth…” thing and then confirmed a few basic questions; Is you marriage irreparably broken? Have you both agreed to this Meditation attachment? Etc… etc… He then stated that he was unconcerned with how we divided up our property and that it looked like it was pretty simple. He said he would sign off on it and forward it to the Circuit Judge and that once they had signed it, we would be officially divorced. We should receive the decree within a week or so.

The hearing lasted about three minutes.

So it isn’t official yet but it is almost as good as official. I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders.

Oddly, why is it that I feel like I am a horrible person again? I don’t know why I think that but I do. I really feel like a complete shit. I’m not sure if it’s this divorce thing or because of things in general. It seems like it might be a case of “Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t”. I’m sure I’ve done something to deserve it. Oh well.